Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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