Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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