I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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