Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
