Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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