Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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