you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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