The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
