kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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