Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We got so high we made milksteak
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
