Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize