my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
