I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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