Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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