My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
