i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
