"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
