I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
