This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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