you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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