I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
