So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
