you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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