i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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