im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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