does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
