Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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