I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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