please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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