I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.