woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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