Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
