I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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