well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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