she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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