I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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