I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
