I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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