just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
