Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
