Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
