I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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