I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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