I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
