The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
