I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
