I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
