DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
