i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
