it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
