I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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