life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
