im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
