i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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