Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
