dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
