1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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